Sneaky night time whatifs

When I asked myself how I would utilize this blog and how often I would write I decided that I would write when I had a story to tell, or any new information arose, or those times when my mind won't shut off and t.v. is not enough of a distraction.  I can sum these 3 reasons up like this: when I have a story- these will most likely be my most well written and humorous post.  I love to tell a good story.  new information- these will be the cancer treatment update post and hopefully have corresponding pictures to go along with.  non-shutting off mind- these will be....well I'm not sure.  Random maybe.  Heartfelt.  Scared.  These will be the ones my parents will have a hard time reading.  Tonight, I'm the latter of the 3.  Tonight, well, I'm having a moment.
Having a moment.  This has been my new phrase that means, I'm not doing so good.  Why?  Well tonight there's a few things.  One, I have cancer.  I still can't get over the fact that I can say that phrase.  It's crazy.  It's surreal.  It sucks.  Also, I'm exhausted.  I am blessed, and in my humble opinion, the luckiest human alive by my 2 children.  But holy toledo...they're exhausting.  What happens when I get my thyroid out?  I will be down and out for a while and won't be able to be mommy like they are use to and like I love to be.  That stinks.  Oh yeah and what about when I potentially have to take radioactive iodine pills.  I've heard you have to stay away from people during this time because you are FREAKING RADIOACTIVE.  Did I hear that right?  How the H-E-double hockeysticks do you wrap your brain around that?  I can't help but picture Homer Simpson chillin' in Springfield at the nuclear plant.  You know when they show the Simpson character in the opening credits wearing that body suit holding that glowy green stick thing in the nuclear plant.  Well when I think about the potential time when I will be radioactive I picture everyone who comes in contact with me wearing that suit.  Also, and brace yourself because this next part is going to be pretty dang pessimistic, I love love love that everyone is so optimistic and encouraging and all that.  But here's the deal.  It's cancer.  Cancer.  I keep thinking, yeah, they're right.  I'm going to be just fine!  No big deal.  This is so treatable and it's going to work out just fine.  BUT, what if it doesn't?  What if it doesn't  What.If.It.Doesn't?
I think maybe that last part is what is keeping me from sleep tonight.  The dreaded what if.  Is this helpful? Does it serve any purpose? Is it healthy? Is it anything positive in any way?  Nope.  But here I am.  See I really really want to know more.  I want to know if this stupid thing has spread.  I want to know what stage I am in.  I want to sit down and stare the doctor in the face and hear the words come out of his mouth explaining exactly what the next steps are and what he thinks is going to happen.  To be honest, I want to hear him say it's going to be alright.  That we found it super early.  That the cancer hasn't spread.  I want to hear that it's really tiny.  That my recovery rate isn't just high, but definite.  I want to hear some gosh dang good news.  From a doctor who has looked this tumor beast in the face and can call it for what it is. 
But what sucks, is that as much as I want these things to happen, I am terrified.  The last time I sat around waiting and hoping to hear from a doctor I found out I had cancer.  That whole day I kept envisioning the conversation happening in my head on how the doc would give the all clear and I would go about my life happy as a clam and wondering how I got so dang lucky as to just drop 7 pounds for no reason.  And that didn't happen.  What if how I hope and pray this whole thing will play out doesn't happen?  What if? 
I want this thing out of me.  I want it gone.  I want it to not have spread.  I want a clean bill of health.  I want to never have had this happen. I want to be ok.  I want to envision my life ahead and not wonder if I will be here to see that life unfold.  I want to be patient.  I want to trust.  I want to find hope when I feel I have none.  I want to sleep peacefully even with a stupid tumor beast in my neck.  But most importantly I want to remember that God has me in his hands and remember the promises he has made not only to me but us all.  I want.  I want.
I am realizing that tonight I am not only plagued by the what ifs, but the I wants.  And as I just wrote that sentence I remembered this poem by Shel Silverstein (who is a genius and I love).  Here it is:

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow tall?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!

Whatifs suck.  We all have them.  All of us.  Whatif I get sick and die?  Whatif green hair grows on my chest?  Whatif my parents get divorced? Whatif my head starts getting smaller?  This poem I love because it reminds me we are never in this crazy life alone.  Everyone is dealing with something and that something is a big deal to them.  So I am not alone.  I'm not alone and that is pretty cool.

I'm feeling better now.  A little writing and some Shel Silverstein have allowed my mind to stop racing so much.  I will now go lay my weary head, say good night to my Father above, kiss my hubs nighty night, turn on food network, and attempt to sleep away the whatifs and wake to a new day.  Good night my readers and heres to hoping those sneaky nighttime whatifs leave you be as well.  And P.S., I hate your stupid cells tumor beast.